Dear Reader,

First, thank you to the folks who showed up last week for the Start Centered online mindfulness circle. I so appreciated the company and really needed it. Why?

A growing cloud of loss and change dominated life leading up to the holidays this year. We put to sleep my dear dog and greatest companion of 16 years; my family, immediate and extended, had shifted and morphed leaving a disconnect and a change in traditions; my body suffered new injuries leading to decreased vitality and wellness, and and and.

But my losses were nothing compared to those of some friends. (Note this prime example of emotional bypassing.) One friend lost both of her legs, another received a terminal diagnosis. All friends were experiencing their own losses - loss of parents, siblings, best friends, and jobs. Lifting my gaze to the horizon I was reminded of the collective losses at the hands of climate change and natural disasters. As I write to you this morning, my son has fled Los Angeles with his prized possessions because the City of Angels is on fire.

It’s no wonder we want to bypass our emotions.

Emotional Bypassing

Emotional bypassing refers to the avoidance or suppression of uncomfortable emotions through various defense mechanisms or even spiritual practices, rather than processing and addressing emotions directly. Instead of fully experiencing or acknowledging emotions we deem negative, we may distract ourselves or try to “think positive” to avoid the discomfort of unwelcome feelings. This avoidance can be detrimental.

The origin of the term is commonly attributed to John Welwood, a psychologist and Buddhist teacher, who coined the phrase in the 1980s. He described bypassing as the tendency to use spiritual practices or philosophies to avoid facing difficult emotions. Welwood's work focused on how people, particularly in spiritual or personal growth communities, might use concepts like mindfulness, meditation, or positive thinking to repress emotions rather than process them authentically. In fact, I just posted the video below on Instgram the other day. YouCamVideo_20250104_142437.MP4​

Here's the thing–when we bypass our emotions, we miss the opportunity to understand ourselves more deeply and to heal. Emotions are messengers. As the wise, Sufi poet Rumi says in his poem The Guest House, they are “guides from beyond.” They awaken us, protect us, and help our whole being process the complexities of life–this often painful state of being human. Ignoring feelings doesn’t make them go away—it only delays our growth. Left unacknowledged, emotions can get stuck in our bodies causing physical pain and illness. (This reminds me that I would like to reread The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.) If we don’t know what we feel we can not heal, we cannot take action to create the lives we wish to have and call into being. I’ve been there and I'd like not to go back. It’s called depression and hopelessness.

It’s crucial to have regular practices in place to check in with ourselves. Whether through meditation, journaling, or walks in the woods, these practices help us stay grounded and in tune with our emotional landscape. By acknowledging our feelings, we empower ourselves to navigate challenges with some clarity and compassion.

How to Know When We Are Bypassing Emotions?

1. Denial or Minimizing:
   • You acknowledge you’re feeling something uncomfortable but quickly brush it off or tell yourself it’s "not that bad," or quickly jump to, “I’m ok, I’m fine.”
   • You might say, "I shouldn’t feel this way" or "It could be worse."
2. Over-reliance on Positive Thinking:
   • You force yourself to feel better by focusing only on positive thoughts, affirmations, or "silver linings," without fully acknowledging your pain or sadness.
3. Intellectualizing or Analyzing:
   • You spend a lot of time analyzing or rationalizing your emotions, rather than sitting with them. This intellectual approach often distances you from the actual feeling.
4. Excessive Spiritual or Self-Help Practices:
   • While practices like meditation and yoga can help us heal, emotional bypassing occurs when we use these tools to avoid feelings, such as always meditating instead of dealing with a tough situation or emotion directly.
5. Feeling Numb or Disconnected:
   • Instead of feeling the full range of emotions, you may notice that you're somewhat detached or numb, unable to connect with the emotional depth of an experience.
6. Avoidance Behaviors:
   • You may find yourself distracting yourself with busyness, substances, or entertainment to avoid facing your emotions, telling yourself that “I don’t have time for this” or “It’s not that important.”

Personally, I’ve been feeling less engaged, as though my light has been dimmed. (See number 5 above: numb/disconnected.) This has signaled that I need to create space to do some self-inquiry, then based on this reflection, decide what I need and what action steps I'll take.

Another very tangible example of bypassing came this morning when I realized I haven’t been feeding Django, our other dog. All month, my husband has been continuously asking, Did you feed the dog? I'm the one who usually feeds the dogs, but since Carmelita’s passing, I have avoided this twice daily chore. Why? Every time I go into the pantry and see the canister of dog food and the dog dishes, I am filled with sadness. I haven't removed her dish, because to do so would signify that she is really gone. Obviously avoidant behavior. (Don’t worry, my husband Luke has been feeding Django.)

The Risks of Emotional Bypassing:

Besides your dog going hungry...when we bypass our emotions, we miss the chance to process and release things like emotional numbness, unresolved trauma, anxiety, or depression which in turn prevent us from moving forward with greater emotional understanding and resilience. It keeps us from really feeling and experiencing the wonderful opposites of the so called negative emotions we are avoiding.

How to Welcome, Not Avoid, Emotion:

• Self-awareness: The first step is noticing when you’re avoiding an emotion or situation that triggers said emotions. Then, tune in instead of turning away.
• Allow Yourself to Feel: Create space in which to experience emotions fully without judgment. Try not to rush to fix or change what you are feeling.
• Expression: Practices like mindfulness and meditation are wonderful, but balance them with emotional expression, like journaling, art, movement, or talking to someone.
• Seek Support: If you feel stuck in your emotional bypassing, working with a therapist or mindfulness coach can help you confront and process difficult emotions.

It’s so important to create spaces to honor this being human. Our primary mission in life is to grow our understanding of ourselves; from here all wisdom, meaning, and fulfillment in life originates. Grief and loss will be an endless stream; how we choose to face the waters - wade in, sink, float, swim - makes all the difference in our experience of life.

Knowing ourselves, honoring our experiences, and allowing space for self-care does not have to be a solo venture. My mission is to create spaces to do this work together through women’s circles, retreats, yoga and sound baths, and in 2025 an online course and community.

Want to know more about the 10-week online community starting February 12th and get on the list?

Or perhaps join the 1-Day February Retreat? Hope to be with you in 2025.

As always, sending you love and light on your path,

Jess