Dear Reader,
Have you ever noticed how it is precisely when we are making new starts that old shit rears its ugly face?
When Old Patterns Come Knocking
A couple of situations came up recently that prompted me to do somewhat of a life inventory. As is typical for the human brain, and for me for much of my life, I defaulted to focusing on the more negative patterns and old operating systems that I’ve embodied. Frustration and sadness swept in...Why I am I the way I am? Why I do I have to revisit these places within again—the old patterns, the old ways of responding? I found myself saying, I‘m so tired of being me, instead of recognizing that occasionally feeling stuck in the spin is only human.
Releasing and Surrender
The Gift of Contrast
Driving home from yoga, a podcast began playing after the previous one ended. It was Abraham Hicks, the channeled persona of Esther Hicks, inspirational speaker and author. Abraham spoke about “contrast.”
According to Abraham we know we're in contrast when we experience something that feels unwanted, uncomfortable, or out of alignment with what we desire. I often refer to Rumi’s poem “The Guest House” to illustrate that all emotion, even the less desirable emotions, are just information showing up to guide us. Abraham would agree with Rumi that what we might label as "negative" emotions can be valuable because they help us recognize what we truly want and desire. In other words, when we experience what we don’t want, we become clearer about what we do want.
Not only does contrast reveal what we don't want, it reveals the old patterns, beliefs, and ways of responding that are standing between where we are and where we want to be. Often the very thing frustrating us is also showing us where we are ready for something different.
Releasing Is a Process, Not an Event
What if, instead of resisting or feeling frustrated by our familiar old feelings and ways of being, we simply noticed them? And in noticing, we could celebrate ourselves for that awareness instead of beating ourselves up. We could say to ourselves, How wonderful that I am recognizing this feeling and the pattern behind it. This awareness is definitely something to celebrate.
During the retreats here at the Barred Owl, we often perform a releasing ceremony down by the bridge where the stream runs through the property. We write what we want to let go of on paper or leaves, then ceremoniously rip our words to bits and toss them into the spillway. Sometimes these pieces get stuck on top of the spillway, unable to be washed down and swept away by the stream.
When this happens, participants often fret, feel like they failed the exercise, and momentarily believe that some things will just never be released. Maybe this pause is providing yet another moment of clarity and certainty. And maybe it also provides a moment to reflect deeper on how this thing that is keeping us stuck has been serving us, providing a function in our lives. That’s the part of releasing we forget. These patterns, these operating systems, have served a purpose for us. So, perhaps they deserve our gaze and some gratitude before banishment into the stream.
After the rain we received here this week, I can assure you that if you've ever been here and placed anything in this spillway, it is definitely gone. It's been washed away, at least for the time being.
This week, when I found myself facing some of my own old patterns in relationships and the familiar ways I once spoke to myself, I decided to try something different. Rather than taking them straight to the stream, I wrote them on a piece of paper and placed them in a bowl outside in the rain. This slowed down the process of release and gave me a chance to explore how these old ways had served me and protected me. While I could appreciate what they once did for me, I recognized that I no longer needed to rely on them. I sat with them, thanked them for their service, and then told them to take a swim.
As we all stand on the bridge at Barred Owl and release our burdens into the stream, we hope, we pray, we wish, we sometimes believe and celebrate that they will never return.
But that's not realistic. Releasing what is stored in our subconscious, releasing familiar patterns, behaviors and old ways of being is not a one-and-done kind of thing. If you are feeling something that is providing contrast, i.e. that feeling that something is not aligned with your truest self or your inner wisdom, then I offer you a practice of releasing. Take a page from Mother Nature who knows that cycles will always exist. Write what you wish to release on a piece of paper, put it outside, and allow it to weather and change with the elements as you reflect on it inside with a tea and journal.
Meeting Ourselves with Compassion and A Little Forgiveness
While you practice this, be gentle with yourself and remember the attitudes of mindful awareness—non-judging, patience, beginner’s mind, acceptance, gratitude, and letting go. Celebrate the fact that you are noticing something, that you are willing to grow and to change. Say, thank you. I see you, and I choose to release you with love. You supported me once, but I’d like to try a different way.
Sometimes releasing requires a little forgiveness, too. Forgiveness for the ways we've responded, the ways we've protected ourselves, and the ways we've held onto things long after they have served us. One simple reflection I'd like to share is a familiar four-phrase adaptation associated with Ho'oponopono, a Hawaiian tradition rooted in reconciliation, forgiveness, and restoring harmony.
Take a breath. Place a hand on your heart. Offer these words to yourself:
I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
Say it as many time as you need to. Let the words sink in and be an offering of compassion to the parts of yourself that have been doing the best they could with what they knew at the time.
Release, Surrender, and Allowing
The words release and surrender are close cousins. When we surrender, we allow things to be just as they are. I don't mean giving up or giving in. I mean learning to work with what is rather than continually resisting what is. The real invitation of releasing is not to force something out of ourselves, but to acknowledge it, understand it, appreciate what it once offered, and allow ourselves to choose differently.
When an old pattern inevitably returns, we don't have to make it mean we've failed or that we are incapable of change. Instead, we can simply notice it, meet it with compassion, and begin again.
The Journal Prompts
Place a hand on your heart. Drop in and say to yourself, "I love you. I'm listening." Then consider:
1. What patterns, habit, thoughts, or behaviors do I keep repeating that are no longer support the person I want to become?
2. Where did the pattern begin?
When might I have first developed this way of responding or operating? What was happening in my life at the time?
3. How did it serve or protect me?
What was it helping me avoid, manage, control, or navigate? What did it provide that I needed then: safety, acceptance, approval, belonging, predictability, or a sense of control?
4. How is it serving me now?
Is this pattern still supporting me, or might it be limiting me or keeping me from what I truly desire?
5. What am I ready to choose instead?
What am I ready to trust, allow, or experience? What might I need to believe about myself or the world to feel safe letting this pattern go?
The return of an old pattern isn't a sign that we haven't grown. Perhaps it's an invitation to meet an old version of ourselves with new awareness, greater compassion, and the freedom to choose differently.
Cheers to that, and to you.
With love and light on your path of release, surrender, and beginning again,
Jess
p.s. If you stuck with me through these dense musings, you deserve a feel good meditation, so here it is:New Moon, New Beginnings -Miraculous You.mp3
p.p.s. The first retreat of 2027 will be January 22-24th. Save the date and please spread the word. Details to follow.
